Looking at this situation with Sharon and Jen, how it’s affected our whole group and myself, I’m just really surprised at the way that I’ve handled things.  Being lied to and deceived so badly, running around blindly in the dark, not know what’s going on and how to help is probably one of the worst things one can experience. To think that I was beginning to embark on a meaningful friendship with my roomate and to have her stab all of us in the back because of her own selfish desires is really sad. And to say that I’m not angry at her really shows how much the Lord has changed my perspective on things. I remember a time where if I felt betrayed or lied to, I would immediately jump down people’s throats, trying to seek my own vengeance for the pain they caused me was like second nature. Believe me, I lost so many friends that way. But seeing this situation from the Lord’s perspective, and really understanding what Grace really is, I just feel sad and heartbroken for those around me.

I guess I kind of always looked at my relationship with Sharon as more of an annoyance rather than an actual relationship. She was never around and so flighty that I never felt that she was interested in pursuing a relationship with those that she lived with, and I was pretty dead on. We tried to reconcile things and for me to look past my resentment and just love her was a big challenge, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. And now with all of this, not even being able to believe anything that comes out of her mouth because of all the lies she has told, I’m more sad than anything. Sad that she has chosen to follow her own selfish and destructive wants rather than follow God. But it’s her choice, and thank God that he gives us the free will to make decisions like these instead of forcing us to be in a relationship with him that we might not want.  I think that’s one of the things that really has been attractive about God, that he gives us an option, and even though a lot of the choices that we make (mostly those that go against what he wants for our lives) are negative, we can always have confidence that what the Lord wants for us will always be for the good of those who love him, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

I think I made my peace with Sharon a few weeks ago before this even happened. I guess I just realized that she was going to do whatever she wanted, and she knew what both options were for her, and she had to make the decision, and I couldn’t affect that in any way. Part of me feels like I should be more emotional like the rest of the girls in our group, but at the same time, I just want to move on and not think about it anymore, because it just drained me so much. So I guess I just hope for the best with Sharon and Jen, praying that one day they will find their way back to the Lord.

I think the thing that I really want the most is just to be a support for all of my friends. I hate to see the people I love in pain, and I just want to do whatever is in my power to help them and make them feel loved. Damn, sometimes I used to look at the way I cared about people, and for a long time, I wished I didn’t care as much, because I used to put so much of myself and my love into others(especially guys I liked) and got my heart broken time after time. I guess that really just shows how people fail you constantly. But now I’m glad that I have a heart for people and that all I want to do most of the time is hug someone and tell them how much I love them. I think empathy and compassion are some of the greatest gifts I’ve received from God, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Praise God for his love, being able to experience it and give it away to others, because without it, I wouldn’t be here.