Tonight’s combined women’s cell group was one of the most amazing things. God really knocked me on my ass tonight and made me realize a lot of things, namely how prideful a person I am. The teaching was on brokenness, and not the brokenness that you think of, the kind where you are all depressed and whatnot, but when God, in his immense love for you, breaks you of your pride and shows you of your need for Him. And it’s one of the most humbling things in the world to have happen to you. I felt super humbled tonight, because there are so many different things that I had just settled for, and I realize now that I’ve been in this stagnant comfort zone that really isn’t getting me anywhere. I’ve just been settling for second best in my relationship with the Lord and have seen how I’m not really thankful at all.

One of the things Ruth said tonight that really struck me was this:

“A proud person looks at the consequences of his sin and laments about the situation he’s in, but the broken person realizes his sin and thanks God that he has covered that sin already.”

This is something I’m guilty of all the time. Recently, I bought the computer that I’m now typing this blog on. While it is a good investment and I was eventually going to need a new one, I could have waited and used the money towards my rent/grocceries/bills/my tithing pledge, but instead I bought it on impulse. And although it’s a great computer, now I am suffering because I’ve overdrawn my account and I dont get paid till next week(on top of other things). And instead of looking at the situation and realizing that It’s my own fault and that I sinned  by not being a good steward of what God gives me, I’ve just been freaking out about where I’m going to get money and how I have to fix it all. I think on top of the fact that it shows my lack of discipline, but it has also shown that I am not thankful at all for what the Lord has done for me.

I think that this is really a time where I need to start taking my walk seriously. I want to be in this for the long haul, but if I’m not moving towards the Lord and growing with him, what the fuck am I doing here then? This can’t just be a comfort zone that I never feel like leaving, but a place where I want to actively reach the lost and share the Good News with them. I just pray that I could be learning how to cultivate a heart of grace and thankfulness, because I’ve been lacking in those two for awhile. Also the question, “What do you think you’ll be doing a year from now, 5 years, 10 years?”. I don’t think I’ve really given a thought to this, not because I don’t feel like thinking about it, but I feel like I haven’t really considered it at all. While I want to be doing this for the rest of my life, I don’t really have a plan right now and the only thing I can do is hope that he’ll direct me to the one that’s best for me.