A Focus On Grace

God has really challenged me over the last few days about my standing with him. After the teaching that we had on friday, I’ve really been think about how I have slipped into this comfort zone of going to meetings and “doing the church thing”. I’ve pretty much been doing what I call passive legalism. I see being a part of this fellowship as something as routine and just what I do. Although the Lord has been doing some amazing things in this group and it’s been cool to know that God has His hand on this home church, I feel somewhat fake and lukewarm. I know that God has a role here for me in this  group, and while I’m excited and want that, i don’t feel like I have been genuine with my walk and I feel horrible. I really need to see my lack of  non-discipline as a sin. I’ve been so unmotivated to do anything(even with school) that I’m really just hurting myself and no one else.

I’m really glad that God has challenged me and shown me that I need to make a decision to follow what he has for me or do something else. I’m being super lukewarm, not wanting to leave fellowship because that is not really an option for me, but at the same time I haven’t been moving forward with what God wants for my life. It says in Revelations 3:15,16 that “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So , because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth”. This verse really describes how I’ve been interacting with the Lord. And I want to run hot, I want to have a burning passion for the Lord and to be used by Him in amazing ways. I’ve made the decision that I need to lay myself at the feet of the Lord and say “I’ve tried to do this on my own, and it’s not working. I don’t know what else to do and the only way I know that this will work out is if YOU work through me, because it is on your power and not my own that I will see victory in this area”. I’m very excited to know that things will be better and God is really going to help me to see victory over this, even though it is the thorn in my side that I will most likely have to deal with for the rest of my life. But it is so cool that the Lord says in 2 Cor. 12:7-10 that:

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

The Lord’s grace is sufficient enough for me, and I have forced myself to turn a blind eye to that and look away. This gives me hope that by making the choice to let God work in my life and break me of my pride, that in times of weakness, I will be made into the strong person that I want to be.

Turning a new leaf

Tonight’s combined women’s cell group was one of the most amazing things. God really knocked me on my ass tonight and made me realize a lot of things, namely how prideful a person I am. The teaching was on brokenness, and not the brokenness that you think of, the kind where you are all depressed and whatnot, but when God, in his immense love for you, breaks you of your pride and shows you of your need for Him. And it’s one of the most humbling things in the world to have happen to you. I felt super humbled tonight, because there are so many different things that I had just settled for, and I realize now that I’ve been in this stagnant comfort zone that really isn’t getting me anywhere. I’ve just been settling for second best in my relationship with the Lord and have seen how I’m not really thankful at all.

One of the things Ruth said tonight that really struck me was this:

“A proud person looks at the consequences of his sin and laments about the situation he’s in, but the broken person realizes his sin and thanks God that he has covered that sin already.”

This is something I’m guilty of all the time. Recently, I bought the computer that I’m now typing this blog on. While it is a good investment and I was eventually going to need a new one, I could have waited and used the money towards my rent/grocceries/bills/my tithing pledge, but instead I bought it on impulse. And although it’s a great computer, now I am suffering because I’ve overdrawn my account and I dont get paid till next week(on top of other things). And instead of looking at the situation and realizing that It’s my own fault and that I sinned  by not being a good steward of what God gives me, I’ve just been freaking out about where I’m going to get money and how I have to fix it all. I think on top of the fact that it shows my lack of discipline, but it has also shown that I am not thankful at all for what the Lord has done for me.

I think that this is really a time where I need to start taking my walk seriously. I want to be in this for the long haul, but if I’m not moving towards the Lord and growing with him, what the fuck am I doing here then? This can’t just be a comfort zone that I never feel like leaving, but a place where I want to actively reach the lost and share the Good News with them. I just pray that I could be learning how to cultivate a heart of grace and thankfulness, because I’ve been lacking in those two for awhile. Also the question, “What do you think you’ll be doing a year from now, 5 years, 10 years?”. I don’t think I’ve really given a thought to this, not because I don’t feel like thinking about it, but I feel like I haven’t really considered it at all. While I want to be doing this for the rest of my life, I don’t really have a plan right now and the only thing I can do is hope that he’ll direct me to the one that’s best for me.

The Aftermath

Looking at this situation with Sharon and Jen, how it’s affected our whole group and myself, I’m just really surprised at the way that I’ve handled things.  Being lied to and deceived so badly, running around blindly in the dark, not know what’s going on and how to help is probably one of the worst things one can experience. To think that I was beginning to embark on a meaningful friendship with my roomate and to have her stab all of us in the back because of her own selfish desires is really sad. And to say that I’m not angry at her really shows how much the Lord has changed my perspective on things. I remember a time where if I felt betrayed or lied to, I would immediately jump down people’s throats, trying to seek my own vengeance for the pain they caused me was like second nature. Believe me, I lost so many friends that way. But seeing this situation from the Lord’s perspective, and really understanding what Grace really is, I just feel sad and heartbroken for those around me.

I guess I kind of always looked at my relationship with Sharon as more of an annoyance rather than an actual relationship. She was never around and so flighty that I never felt that she was interested in pursuing a relationship with those that she lived with, and I was pretty dead on. We tried to reconcile things and for me to look past my resentment and just love her was a big challenge, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. And now with all of this, not even being able to believe anything that comes out of her mouth because of all the lies she has told, I’m more sad than anything. Sad that she has chosen to follow her own selfish and destructive wants rather than follow God. But it’s her choice, and thank God that he gives us the free will to make decisions like these instead of forcing us to be in a relationship with him that we might not want.  I think that’s one of the things that really has been attractive about God, that he gives us an option, and even though a lot of the choices that we make (mostly those that go against what he wants for our lives) are negative, we can always have confidence that what the Lord wants for us will always be for the good of those who love him, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

I think I made my peace with Sharon a few weeks ago before this even happened. I guess I just realized that she was going to do whatever she wanted, and she knew what both options were for her, and she had to make the decision, and I couldn’t affect that in any way. Part of me feels like I should be more emotional like the rest of the girls in our group, but at the same time, I just want to move on and not think about it anymore, because it just drained me so much. So I guess I just hope for the best with Sharon and Jen, praying that one day they will find their way back to the Lord.

I think the thing that I really want the most is just to be a support for all of my friends. I hate to see the people I love in pain, and I just want to do whatever is in my power to help them and make them feel loved. Damn, sometimes I used to look at the way I cared about people, and for a long time, I wished I didn’t care as much, because I used to put so much of myself and my love into others(especially guys I liked) and got my heart broken time after time. I guess that really just shows how people fail you constantly. But now I’m glad that I have a heart for people and that all I want to do most of the time is hug someone and tell them how much I love them. I think empathy and compassion are some of the greatest gifts I’ve received from God, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Praise God for his love, being able to experience it and give it away to others, because without it, I wouldn’t be here.

Lord thanks that you take care of your sheep. You provide for our every needs, and I am so greatful for the job position that you have given me. I am really excited for the people that I am going to meet and get the chance to share your Gospel with. I really pray that everything would go smoothly with Human Resources and I would be able to get my paperwork done soon. Thanks that even though our faith wavers, you always are faithful and you have shown that through Corey’s testimony tonight. The ways that you work in each of our lives as you pursue us are amazing, and I am so glad to have Corey as a brother in Christ now. I pray for his and David’s protection, I know that the initial joy and zeal that you feel right after coming into a relationship with you will soon be over for them, but I pray that we can support them and that Patrick and Randal can really be instrumental in their lives. Please be working through these two workers to teach Corey and David how to grow with you.

I pray for Friday night at Corey’s show, and the party that we are going to have afterwards at the guys house. I pray that Morgan would be able to make it out tommorrow and we could spend time catching up. I also pray for Stephen’s girlfriend Roxanne. I’m super excited to be able to come along side Izzy and Amy to talk to her, and I pray that we could get into some really good spiritual conversation. I also pray for the rest of Corey’s band mates, that after the show you would be using our homechurch to really speak into their lives and see where they stand with you.

Thank you that Sharon and I got to have such a good hangout today. I am so glad that she has been seeking council and has decided to stay and follow you. Thanks that she and Jen talked to her mother, who gave them good council and told them that leaving would be the worst thing to do. I know that things are going to be hard for them and there are going to be times where they struggle, but please Lord show us all where we can be supporting and loving them. Help me to find ways to encourage Sharon and to love her. Thanks that she feels that she can open up to me, and I am glad that we are becoming closer. I just pray that you would bind back Satan from them, because he has been filling their heads with so many lies, and I know that you are using this experience to really transform their characters and help them to grow with you. I also pray for Brandon. I know he is being disciplined by you Lord, and I pray that this wouldn’t take him out. Please help all of us to encourage him with love and scripture as he deals with this and help him to be able to talk to people instead of leaving after meetings. I am excited for him and Mark to be living with the Komodo guys, and I know that you are going to use that situation for good to help all of them grow. I also pray for the Embassy boys, that though they have less people in their house that you would just be providing a way for them to all pay rent and get through their finances ok.

Thanks be to God, the foundation of our faith who’s love covers a multitude of sins. Thank you for the death of Christ, that through his death we have eternal life and are able to enter into a relationship with the Lord of the Universe. Thank you for being such a powerful God, who’s power is infinite, able to work all things out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his name.

Amen

Father I thank you so much for the faith of the centurion in the book of Luke. Just seeing that picture of someone who knew that he was totally unworthy of being in your presence but still having faith that the Lord would take care of his servant really shows the lack of faith that we have. I know if I cared so much about someone and I knew that Jesus could heal them, I probably would have marched right down there and demanded for Christ to heal them. Thanks that we can come to you Lord and you care for our every need and protect us, that whatever we ask for in accordance to your will, you will grant. I pray that my faith could reflect that of the centurion, and the woman who washed Christ’s feet. Her great love for the Lord wasn’t conditional on whether he was going to forgive her for her sins or not. She loved the Lord knowing that there could be a big chance that she would not be forgiven, but she was willing to take it because she had faith. I think this is something that I need to have when dealing with others. To be able to be vulnerable with others and having such a heart of love and compassion for them, even if it means knowing that they won’t forgive you or whatever is something that you were able to do Father and is something that I want to grow to do on a regular basis.

Amen

The Issue of Guilt

Last night’s teaching on Romans chapter 2 was amazing. The topic of guilt and how we feel and try to deal with it before God was super convicting, mostly in the sense that God’s grace is so much that I don’t deserve. Looking at the guilt that I had for the things I did and have done since becoming a believer I always felt like I was continually falling short of where I needed to be. God has really shown me that I don’t have to feel the burden of my guilt and sin anymore because he has taken it upon himself for me. It was a real sobering evening. I hope that over this next quarter that my relationship with the Lord will grow so much better. I want to grow and I’m tired of seeing my laziness and lack of discipline get in the way of my walk with God. Time to buckle down and get ‘r’ done

Father, thank you so much for even loving a sinner like me. Your love and grace is more than I deserve, and the gift of forgiveness and salvation that you give freely to all is something that I need to appreciate each and every day. Thank you that regardless of how far away I feel from you, you are always there beside me, waiting for me to turn to you. It’s such a comfort and joy to know that even when I struggle in my laziness and don’t spend time with you, that you don’t forsake me. Thank you for that. I pray that as this new quarter passes that my focus on you and the relationship we have would grow stronger, and my excuses for not spending time with you in the word and in prayer would be non-existant. Please give me a hunger for the word. I don’t want to put in half the effort anymore, but I want to fully devote myself to you because it is the only thing that I’m sure of in my life, it’s the only thing that I want and know that is good.

Thank you so much for using me to effect others lives. It was really cool to be able to give Sarah the Good News on wednesday. I thank you that even though sometimes we won’t ever be able to see some individuals that we give the gospel to, that you use us to plant seeds into people’s hearts and you will use others to water those seeds. I really pray for Sharon right now. I don’t really know what’s going on with her, and I know that I’ve been really frustrated with her these last couple of days. Empower me to show her grace, I know that I need to be doing it, but sometimes it’s just so easy for me to fall back into my tendancies of being frustrated and just leaving people to fend for themselves instead of trying to love them. I really want to be there to support her in whatever she is going through and I know that through you I can do that. I pray for Patrick as well. This whole situation is also very frustrating, and I just want to see him let her go and focus on his relationships with others and his relationship with you. His desires to be in a relationship I think are really causing him some strain in his other relationships. Help me to be patient with him; I feel like he’s ignoring me and doesn’t really care about our friendship. Help me to just love him as a brother in Christ and encourage him, because that’s really all I want to do right now. I pray for the teaching tonight; going through Romans has been really sweet and I pray that tonight’s teaching would really be convicting in my life. Please show me an area that I’m struggling with that I may not even recognize. I really pray that this teaching would convict nonbelievers who might be here tonight and show them their need for you, and for those that do know you, would show them there need to be even closer with you.

I pray for my job situation. These two positions seem like they could be really great possibilities. I pray that if you want me in either of these jobs that your will would be done, and if I’m not ment to be there that I will be patient and know that you work all things out for the good of those who love you, knowing that you will provide for me in every way. Thank you that you do that for all of us. Thank you for being such an amazing Lord, Sovereign, Savior, Friend and Father to me. I love you.

Amen

el Primero de Abril

For me, I’m not shocked as another month is about to roll by. To see where I was just three years ago and where I am now is quite a feat, one that I wouldn’t have been able to do without the Lord. I made this thing because Amy had to do one for class. I’ve had one on xanga before, but never really used this, and I most likely will forget about this one along with the countless other blogs that I have created, just to have them sitting on the shelf.

I do want to make this tiny little space of page something that becomes part of my everyday life. Some people see journaling as theraputic, for others, it helps them organize their lives. This is for me, to write what I wish and just let my feelings out.

Welcome to the thing that is called my life. Strap yourself in, it’s going to be one hell of a ride….